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Fighting God

Hi all! It has been months since I last blogged. I’ve missed it! I’ve found that working outside the home kind of eats my energy for reflection.

While life is full of good things right now, there are a few decisions weighing on my mind and heart. I’ve wasted precious time feeling bad and genuinely stressed about a couple of commitments, lately. I desperately want to withdraw from these commitments because, after making them, I recognized that they were the wrong choices. Changing my mind now, though, would disappoint and inconvenience people I care about.

So I’ve been praying. The other day, I’m ashamed to admit, I prayed for some extenuating circumstance that would make it easy for me to beg off and that wouldn’t make anyone else feel bad. Upon further reflection, I don’t believe for a second that asking God to enable me because I didn’t make the right call in the first place and now don’t have the guts to take responsibility for it, is appropriate. This train of thought led me to the realization that the feelings of emotional turmoil I’ve been experiencing really are a gift. They are just one indication that I’m not doing what I know I should be.  I’ve also prayed for comfort, but truthfully… I know exactly what I need to do for that, too. I’ve been fighting and fighting. Putting off action because it will be hard for me. Following what I believe is God’s urging and trusting that he will help me through is the only way to relieve these feelings of contradiction and disharmony.

Now, the decisions I’m talking about are not that dramatic… other people would probably roll their eyes at my level of self-absorption here, but nonetheless it’s made Jonah seem particularly relevant to me. Yes, his commitment was scarier, but it’s a reminder that I can’t be released from my self-inflicted anxiety while I’m fighting God.

So, if you’re taking prayer requests, please pray that I will have the strength and faith to act in the way that I should.

Thank you and happy Sunday!!